One Paragraph Movie Review: Apocalypse Now

Twentieth film: Apocalypse Now or, if you cut out all the moody bits that are all about being a manly brooding manly man, a five minute film called ‘Assassin Succeeds’. I saw Hearts Of Darkness the week it came out so was expecting a self-indulgent, aimless penis epic, which it is, but it still works. Sweat, smoke machines and synthesizers definitely achieve the viewer despair they’re there to provoke, with the only distractions a Harrison Ford cameo, a poor choppy cow, and my robust and undying love for off-tits Dennis Hopper. It’s a punish, but it’s supposed to be. Three and three-quarter napalm-drenched Ride Of The Valkyries out of five.