One Paragraph Movie Review: Get Carter

One hundred and seventy-fourth film: the original Get Carter, featuring Michael Caine, his shotgun, and his strongly suggested penis. Seventies crime films always seem like they start in the middle, and as Caine’s Carter visits Newcastle hoping to find and punish whoever killed his brother, you’re asked to meet multiple dodgy geezers and tarts without knowing who’s going to be relevant or how many will be relevant. As it turns out, you can relax — you’re basically here to watch Carter kill bad people, smoke cigarettes, drive quickly, and thumb some nipples. It’s a simple main story with a complicated but unnecessary back-story and a truly, grimily ugly city with peeling paint, haggard inhabitants, and warm-looking beer. I need a shower and a way to stop the image of Michael Caine having phone sex in front of his bed-and-breakfast landlady from settling permanently into my brain. Two purple bras out of five.