One Paragraph Movie Review: Heat

Two hundred and twenty-second film: Heat, an opportunity to compare the acting skills of Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. De Niro wins based on subtlety, while Pacino hams it up for the back seats, competing to be taken seriously with Val Kilmer’s ponytail and John Voight’s mullet. Heat displays the two stereotypes that make women and men roll their eyes at each other: that men are so driven by their careers that they neglect their personal relationships, and that women haaaate it when men do that. Stereotypes and bad wigs aside, this is almost three hours of supreme cops and robbers competence porn with a genre-defining cup of coffee in the middle. Without a penis I can’t understand Heat’s relentless placement in critics’ top-five-of-all-time lists, but as a dickless crime yarn enjoyer, I’m enthusiastic. Four books about stress fractures in titanium out of five.