Shelley: Birthday
I get sad on Shelley’s and my birthday now, but not too much, because I’ve been spoiled by more than 50 years of fantastic ones. Sharing a birthday with a twin is absolute paradise if those twins are both a little bit fond of attention. We always tried to earn that attention though, including writing rhyming speeches for birthdays.
This is the speech we gave at our 40th birthday, to a crowd of friends and family, using all the dramatic facial expressions we’d rehearsed the week before. It was very, very good fun.
J: Should we say a little something?
S: I don’t know, what do you think?
J: Well it might be nice…
S: Hang on…
J: Could we…
S: Just let me neck this drink.
J: I just thought, since all these people came from our exclusive list,
That we might do this before we get embarrassingly pissed.
’Cause I’d hate for words to come out wrong on this, our night to shine.
S: Oh, stop being pedetacious. My pronounciation’s fine.
We’ll just take them on a journey through our forty…
J: What’d you say?
S: What’d I say when?
J: You said “journey”. That’s a no-no.
S: Umm… okay.
Let’s delve back into the mists of time, way back, through forty years,
Through the hopes, the dreams, the haircuts; through the laughter and the tears.
J: 40 years could take all night — why don’t we break it into bits?
Because we wouldn’t want to give our many treasured guests the shits.
S: How about a decade at a time?
J: Ok! You first.
S: No you.
J: No you.
S: No you.
J: I’m older.
S: Not by much.
J: But it’ll do.
J&S: THE SEVENTIES
S: A time when pants were flared and hair was flicked;
When seat-belt laws were lax and homosexual laws were strict.
When girls tried hard to be like Agnetha or Princess Leia;
When boys aspired to Barry White but sang like Leo Sayer.
When Whitlam lost his hard-fought ministerial capacity
J: And you gave goodnight kisses to a poster of Shaun Cassidy.
S: Our parents thought they’d have another baby after Mike;
And they made it through eight months gestation, easy as you like.
J: But then the birth came early. Not one bub…
S: SURPRISE!
J: But two.
And to make things complicated, I was small…
S: …and I was blue.
J: But some power-feeding, TLC and nifty scalpel strokes;
Had us home within a month to our freaked-out, exhausted folks.
S: For the rest of our first decade, you could scarce see light between us;
J: Side-by-side we were school-starters, giggle-heads and ballerinas.
S: Now, relentless like a river…
J: Like the Nile…
S: Or the Euphrates,
J: Or the Darling…
S: Sweetie!
J: Let’s roll slowly on toward…
J&S: THE EIGHTIES.
J: A time when CDs, microwaves and Walkmen were first sold.
When Chernobyl’s molten core was hot and global wars were cold.
When the Springboks were all white and Michael Jackson was still black.
S: When we learned to do the moonwalk…
J: …”Careless Memories”…
…and jack
J: We progressed through high school, getting decent grades with little stress;
S: Well-supported by our family, friends, and love for INXS.
J: I was known for being arty.
S: I hung out with music geeks.
J: We had such a lovely nickname. We were called ‘The Thornely Freaks’.
S: That was just ’cause we were twins, right?
J: Or for what we chose to wear…
S: Or perhaps it was our mouthiness?
J: Or sticky-uppy hair?
S: Never mind. At risk of sounding like our book learnin’ was cursory,
We passed our tests and then progressed from second’ry to tertiary.
J: And so, just like Gene Simmons in a gradual, rock-star lunge,
We tilt towards…
J&S: THE NINETIES
J: … Time of Girl Power and grunge.
S: When Diana’s death came early; so-called Neo-Punk came late;
And Saddam Hussein got cranky and sent troops into Kuwait.
Global politics got heavy, but the players’ names were gnarly:
J: Like, say, Slobodan Milosevic
S: And Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
A time when DVDs came out, and flew right off the shelf.
J: When Kurt Cobain topped music charts…
S: …and then he topped himself.
J: A time when brand new countries celebrated earth’s diversity
S: A celebration championed by us at university.
J: Why just attend one college? Why not two, or even three?
Only losers take three years to graduate with a degree.
S: Besides, there were so many other things that busied us:
Like dancing at a northern beaches night club.
J: (Nothing suss).
S: Like playing games of pool…
J: And being door bitch at Kinselas,
S: And selling stuff at HMV,
J: And wooing loads of fellas.
S: We even left the family home — quite late in life, say some.
J: Then at twenty-nine we ushered in the new millennium.
J&S: THE NAUGHTIES
J: …were a time when facebook started on the ‘net.
S: What’s this ‘facebook’ thing you speak of? I don’t think I’ve seen it yet.
J: When a madman terrorised us, hitting buildings with a plane;
And another madman spoke to God and blamed Iraq again.
There was Swine ‘flu, bombs and fires, and a whopping great tsunami;
There was little Lady Gaga, in a dress made of pastrami.
When the movie Avatar won some awards…
S: …it did quite well.
J: But the actress of the decade was our very own Schapelle.
When the “Next Top Model” series sorted debutantes from dogs…
S: …and the world was introduced to the hilarious Jo Blogs.
She really got quite famous — even writing for the Tele!
She took up running, smashing Heartbreak Hill…
J: …and meanwhile Shelley
got a black belt in Karate…
S: …ouch…
J: …and shacked up with a giant.
Then she said…
S: …”I want two kids!”…
J: …and Stocko…
S: …bless ‘im…
J: …was compliant.
And so we reach the present day;
S: All gathered in a pub.
J: All honorary members of the Jo and Shelley club.
S: No matter how we met, or when, it fills us with delight;
J: To have so many awesome people here with us tonight.
S: And though we both like contests…
J: …I like contests more than you…
S: This is not about who’s got more dedicated friends than who.
Thank you very much for coming — ‘specially those of you who’ve travelled;
J: Thanks for being here to hear our tangled lives being unravelled.
S: We won’t keep you any longer…
J: Now it’s time to have some fun…
S: Anything to add?
J: Don’t think so…
S: Then that’s it?
J: That’s it.
J&S: WE’RE DONE.
