When the Saints Go Arting In: Peter of Verona
Today I learned about St Peter of Verona who, because of his beliefs, was attacked by two assassins. One of the assassins stabbed him in the heart, and the other one chopped a massive gash in his skull with a very big knife. Unfazed, and filled with that superhuman strength only displayed by those fuelled with religious fervour or crystal meth, he kept chatting about God with the blade in his head, even transcribing some of his words on the ground in his own blood.
You know those ads for over-the-counter pain killers that feature people who are too busy to slow down for a headache? They should absolutely have used St Peter of Verona in those ads.
The art. Of course. Is insane.
Alonso Berruguete depicts Ol’ Machete Head as just a chill guy calmly showing you where he’s up to in his book, which he holds to one side so that he doesn’t stain the pages with the end of the knife sticking out of his ribcage. Just a normal day, might fold laundry later.
Here Lorenzo Lotto shows us an equally calm but slightly less bloody man who is trying to draw our attention to something in the lower right corner of the canvas. He is — due primarily to the fact that he has a cleaver in his skull — unsuccessful.
In this one, Fra Angelico has done St Peter the courtesy of removing one of the two murder weapons, leaving only a small blade and a bit of warm, salty blood flowing from his head and shoulder. He raises a hand to his mouth and shooshes us, but we will not shoosh. We will shout BUDDY YOU NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR.
But still, Peter works. He preaches. He bleeds. He holds a big palm frond. He gives the cleaning staff at this Mexican church a glare that says “don’t”.
I mean, this guy doesn’t even stop visiting his friends’ new babies while he has a chopper in his nugget. What’s your excuse?
I suppose in some paintings he does look a little bit distressed, but it might not be because he’s about to die from two extremely big and sudden holes in his body. He might just be annoyed that even with all of these blades near his head, he’s still ended up with this haircut.
Carlo Crivelli gives us some insight into how irritating it can be to carry a machete around in your skull. It’s like his mum has just asked him to take the garbage out just as he was about to start playing Mario Kart.
What’s that Pete? you dropped something? A bit of your brain, perhaps?
Actually, you know that thing where you get the stares and you just kind of zone out for a bit? I bet I know the part of the brain that controls it.
Anyway, that’s Saint Peter of Verona, who has a cleaver in his head. Or a small axe. Or a machete. Look, I don’t want to split hairs.
Sorry.
