When the Saints Go Arting In: Apollonia

Today I learned about Saint Apollonia who, as a result of being tortured by having her teeth violently yanked out of her head, is the patron saint of dentistry. What fun, being immortalised as a reminder of easily the worst few hours of your life. To add insult to injury, Apollonia is depicted in art holding one of her own teeth in a pair of fancy dentist pliers. In most pictures she looks suitably unimpressed, like this one, where she’s thinking “What am I thuppothed to do with THITH, then?”

Neri di Bicci paints Apollonia with pliers that are three feet long, the approximate distance di Bicci kept between himself and any realistic representation of a tooth.

Honestly, has there ever been a series of images more clearly depicting a model in an artist’s studio thinking “what the actual piss am I holding this thing for”? At least in this one by Francisco de Zurbaran, the artist thought it would be weird to have her just holding a tooth, so he gave her a palm frond for the other hand, just to even it out. Nice one, Francisco.

In some pictures, Apollonia doesn’t even bother keeping hold of the tooth, no doubt as a protest against the unnecessary brutality of dental instruments. It’s a tooth, not a hot ingot, jeez.

Sometimes Apollonia is painted hanging out with other saints. Every time they invite her over, they hope she does not bring her tooth. Every time, they are disappointed.

There are some awful paintings showing the moment when Apollonia had her teeth pulled out, illustrating how intimidating she must have been. I mean, it took six men and some rope, although to be honest I don’t think the guy reading the book is doing much of the heavy lifting.

To be fair though, girl is stoic as all get-out. Here she almost looks bored, like “Can we hurry this up please, I’m getting my eyes gouged out this afternoon”.

After all this trouble and pain, it’s no surprise that Apollonia wants to comfort herself with a gentle little boob touch. Go on babe, you earned it.

So there, that’s Apollonia and her tooth pliers. A lady who is very sick of waiting for the tooth fairy, and will absolutely cut the next dentist who tells her she should have flossed.

Sorry.